Psychedelic Trampolines by Byron Stepherson

First grade, 1971. To the world, I was a retard. I mixed up words. I wrote most of my letters backward. I found it easier to write from right-to-left backward. 

My teacher, Miss Andrews, said my writing would improve with practice, but that during reading time, I would have to go to what she called the Reading Room. But it was actually called the Retard Room. And, yes, that’s what they called the room back then. 

I also had to sit with the other two retarded boys during class. Eugene, whom we called Cheese-and-Crackers because he brought cheese and crackers every day for lunch. We usually just called him Cheese. Even the PE coach called him Cheese. There was Jerry, who was already taller than our teacher. He had a Scooby-Doo metal lunch box, and he never let go of that box. It went everywhere with him. In PE, when we played softball, he brought it to the home plate, set it down, and knocked the ball out past the fence. The catcher would stand up and say, “Psychedelic, man.” Jerry would pick up his Scooby-Doo lunchbox and walk the bases. 

In the mornings, we sat at our desk group. Miss Andrews had placed colored construction paper, pencils, and scissors on our desk. When we were all sitting down, she would come over and tell us the shape of the day. If it were a rectangle, then we would cut out a rectangle. Then we would take the fat pencil and write the word ‘RETARD’ on it. When we finished, she came over, took a safety pin, and pinned the label to our shirts. If we wore the label all day, we got a treat at the end of the day. Usually a lollipop or a Tootsie Roll. I hated both and gave them to Cheese. Jerry gave his to Cheese, too. 

Every day, we would go to the Retard Room. The door was huge. The top half of the door was smoked glass, and the bottom half was wood. The teacher, Mrs. Butters, had cut out all the letters of RETARD ROOM in bright yellow construction paper, laminated them, and taped the letters in a semi-circle on the door. Beneath the semi-circle RETARD was ROOM straight across the bottom. 

In the middle, she had cut out a sun, which was smiling. He was the only one. 

The door was heavy and hard to open. You had to pull hard on the door, get behind it, and push it open. You held it open for the other kids coming in. When you let go, it closed super fast. On the bottom of the inside of the door was a metal plate. So if you didn’t run fast enough when the door closed, that plate would cut your heel. I had to go to the nurse’s station once. She looked at the heel and said, “Well, it’s kinda deep. But we’ll take care of you.” And she did. She put something on the cut and then a band-aid. 

On occasion, Miss Andrews would send one of us on an errand before going to the Retard Room. We would either take something to the front office or the library. The librarian was super nice and always happy to see me, but not so much in the front office. 

I went up to the office and waited by the red line for someone to notice me. A lady looked at me and snapped her gum. She turned away. After a minute, she looked at me again, snapped her gum, and said, “What do you want, little boy?”

“This is from Miss Andrews.”

“Well, put it in the basket and get back to class.” 

Leaving the front office, I could hear them talking about us. “Them boys really are stupid.” 

The next time I went to the front office, I didn’t even look at them. I just went up to the counter, put the paper in, and left.

“Little boy! What do you think you’re doing!”

I froze in my tracks. I turned around. I looked down at the scuff of my shoe. I could hear her smacking her gum like the ladies over at the bingo hall. I looked up at her. 

“You said to put the paper in the basket,” I mumbled. 

“When did I say that?”

“The last time I was up here.”

“You are a stupid little boy. You tell us what you got before you go sticking papers in baskets.”

I stood there looking at her. 

“Well! What you got!”

“A paper from Miss Andrews.” Again, I stood waiting for instructions. 

“Well!”

“Well, what?”

“Put it in the basket!”

So, looking at her, I took the paper out of the basket and put it back in the basket. This couldn’t be right. 

“Well, get back to class! What you looking at!”

I left and heard her say to the other ladies, “Them the stupidest little boys. Mercy on my soul.” 

Where I sat in Miss Andrews’ room, I could see the door. The door opened, and in came the school counselor and the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my life. She had coal black hair and eyes the color of the Gulf of Mexico. She wore a green sack dress. I recognized the pattern because my grandmother made dresses from the same bags. 

The counselor was introducing her to the class. Her name was Lillian Montgomery. Her family just transferred to Pensacola. I didn’t hear the rest of what she had to say. By the time the counselor stopped talking and Miss Andrews walked her to her desk, Lily and I had fallen in love, graduated from school, I became a doctor, she became a school teacher, we got married, had kids, and they had kids, we grew old together, and we died holding hands. It was the happiest life ever. 

Where she sat, I could only see the back of her. Her dress fit her shape perfectly. Her hair fell beneath her shoulders. My eyes didn’t move from her until Miss Andrews had placed her hand on my shoulder and gently shaken me.

“Jack,” she whispered. “Jack?”

I looked up at her. “Nothing.”

She smiled. Years later, I realized that she knew. 

“Okay, take this paper to the library before you go to the reading room.” 

I took the paper and took the long way around. I should have just left. One of the benefits of being a retard is that no one knows you exist. I’ve left school many times on my own accord. No one cared. No one called my mom. She or Dad didn’t care. 

One disadvantage of being a retard is that when people notice you, they treat you like you have a disease. On my way to the library, a teacher was leading her class out to the yard. When she saw me, she held her fist up for everyone to stop. They stood tightly against the wall. The teacher stretched out her left hand to protect as many kids as she could. Everyone’s eyes looked at me. You could see the fear on their faces. When I was even with the teacher, all the kids began whispering, as if their incantation could protect them from vile disease. 

“Retard…retard…retard…”

They recited the magic spell until I passed, and the teacher said to her students, “Hurry now, let’s get to the yard.” Kids bolted down the hallway. 

I gave the librarian the paper, and then I sat down and looked at a book. The story was familiar. Little bears hopping on pop. It was a stupid story. The librarian saw me, but she said nothing. 

I looked at the clock and headed to the room. 

I opened the heavy door and rushed in. The anteroom was Mrs. Butters’ office. There was another door that led to the small classroom. I heard them reading. I had to go in sooner or later, so I chose later. I held my breath so as not smell. 

Mrs. Butters did not turn to look at me. 

“Have a seat, boy.” 

There were six spots to sit on the floor. In a semicircle. To my right sat Jerry. He smiled at me and whispered my name, “Jack.” I gave him a peace sign. 

Next to him was Cheese. He nodded ever so slightly. 

“Cheese,” said Mrs. Butters, sternly. 

Next to him would be my spot. On the left side sat the girls. To the far left was Berinda. Shaped like a hippopotamus and always dressed in purple, she smelled like spoiled milk. Every day, she smelled like spoiled milk. It was awful. I let go of my breath in her direction, hoping to blow the smell away for the rest of class. It never worked, but it was worth the try. 

Next to her was Robin. I don’t even know why Robin was in the room. She was super smart. She read like an adult and always added emphasis to her sentences as if she were in a play. But she was unkempt and ugly. Not plain. Not kinda ugly. Robin was one ugly kid. A rat-nest for hair, and she wore the same clothes every day until they were just filthy. Then she would have new clothes, new to her, and wear those to rot. 

And next to her…. I didn’t understand. Next to her was Lily. The love of my life. Why would she be in here? Lily was beautiful. Beautiful kids were never retarded. Mrs. Butters was the devil incarnate. But this was beyond evil. My fists clenched with rage. My teeth gnashed. The rest of my body tensed for an apocalyptic scene. 

“Jack!”

I looked up. 

“What is wrong with you, boy? Take your seat.”

The reading lesson was tightly structured. Rumor had it that Mrs. Butters’ husband was a colonel in the Navy during WWII. He was a war hero. She was all Navy, too. 

She stood in the center of the semicircle with a long wooden dowel in her hand. The old battle-axe had painted the end of the long stick red. During one’s time to read from the primer, she held the stick over our heads. We were to read with strict cadence, which we learned from a tape recording. At the beginning of the book, we listened to normal kids read from the book. Mrs. Butters would tap out the cadence with her stick. We were to read with the same cadence. If we slowed down, she would slowly lower the red tip of the stick toward our book. If we didn’t get on pace, she would press the red tip against the book. If we still didn’t get on pace, she would say, “Knuckles.”

We held our writing hand out in a fist, knuckles down. 

Whack!

A firm rap across the knuckles. The girls would usually cry until Mrs. Butters gave them a candy. The boys never cried. 

If you said a word wrong, she would say, “Again.” If you said the word correctly, then you kept going. If you said the word wrong again, then she would strike the dowel down on top of your head. Hard and loud. I left the room many times with a big goose egg on the top of my head. 

Jerry read and got away with a couple of raps across the knuckles. When Cheese was reading, Lily scooched her hand across the floor and touched my leg. I looked at her with the corner of my eye, not moving my head. 

She mouthed, “I’m scared.” 

With my right hand, I made the peace sign. A signal that everything would be okay. 

Cheese got one on the head and refused to keep reading. 

“Stupid little boy,” she said. 

Lily’s eyes began to tear. But she was strong and did not fall to cries. 

It was my turn. 

Now, what the old bag didn’t know was that my dad was a ruthless alcoholic. He would beat me good, if for no reason, then, “Just ’cause.” With dad, he beat you with whatever was within arm’s reach. A baseball bat, which I kept hiding, but he always found. A chain. A whip, which he was really good at. He could snap a cigarette out of our neighbor’s mouth. Otherwise, you got the belt—either the strap or the buckle. I was a buckle kind of guy.

And this old bag thought a little stick would hurt me?

And there was no way she was going to hurt Lily. No way. I had to come up with a plan and fast. 

I started reading. I hated reading. I knew the words were backwards, but I couldn’t figure out how to say the words the right way. 

I read a few lines and then got to the word ‘dog.’ I stopped. The red tip came down. I looked at Lily. I smiled. She smiled. 

“God,” I said. 

“Again.”

I dragged it out, as if I were trying. “Gaahhh-uhd.”

Whack!

“God.”

Whack!

“God.”

Whack!

“God, god, god, god!” 

I looked up at her with a big grin. 

She was trying to say something, but I jumped up, grabbed the stick, broke it across my knee, and shoved it into her. 

“Take that, you old bitty!”

I pushed her against the counter, and she fell down. I looked back. 

“Psychedelic, man!” yelled Jerry. He jumped up and raised his hands high in the air and roared like a bear. You should have seen the look on that old bat’s face!

Jerry looked at me and yelled, “Run, Jack, Run!”

So, I ran out the door. Then I ran out the big door. I pushed that door so hard that it banged against the wall. I ran down the hallway and out the doors into freedom. I ran all the way to the IGA. I wanted to steal something, but the only thing within my reach was candy, and I didn’t like candy. So, I just walked around in the air-conditioned store until one of the clerks told me to buy something or leave. 

I walked to the creek and just hung out all day until I saw kids walking home. 

I decided not to meet up with Jerry and Cheese because I didn’t want them to get in trouble if someone saw us together. 

I got home in time for dinner, and no one said anything. So, again, the advantage of being a retard is that no one cares about you. 

I skipped school for the next three days. 

But all I could think of was Lily. By Thursday, my heart was hurting. I wanted to see her so badly. 

So, Friday morning, I walked into the classroom as if nothing had happened. 

I looked around. Miss Andrews had moved all the desks around. Jerry was sitting over by the windows. He saw me, smiled, and waved. I waved back. 

I looked around, and I saw Cheese. He was smiling, too. He nodded his head, and I gave him the peace sign. 

And then I saw the most beautiful girl in the world. Her black hair glistened. She was smiling, and her eyes were wet with tears. She was wearing a blue dress. It was beautiful and well-made. There were no seams on the shoulders, so that meant that someone had cut the dress from a single piece of cloth. She had a matching blue ribbon in her hair. Her eyes were dark blue today. My body shook with excitement. 

I looked around and saw some of the other kids I knew. They were all looking at me and smiling. I saw Benji, Apple Jack, Phong, Mary, Laura, and Srini. 

Miss Andrews walked inside and saw me. 

“Jack! Hi! We’ve moved our desks and seats around. Follow me, and I’ll show you your new seat.”

She led me straight to Lily. 

“Will you sit here, Jack? Is that okay?”

Was that okay? Is she nuts? 

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Good. You're the best person to sit next to Lillian because she needs help with her math, and you’re really good with math, aren’t you?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Good. Lillian, Jack will help you with math and all the other subjects. I’m sure you two will enjoy sitting together.”

During math, we worked on our worksheets. Lily slid her worksheet over to my desk and pointed to a problem. I held out my left hand with all five fingers up. 

“Five,” I said. 

I held up my right hand with two fingers up. 

“Two,” I said. “So, five plus two equals seven.”

She wrote down the seven, but it was backwards. I smiled. I showed her my worksheet. All of my sevens were backwards, too.

She scooched her right hand across her seat and then over to mine. She tapped my leg. I looked down. She turned her hand palm up and wiggled her fingers. She wanted me to hold her hand. I wasn’t that much of a retard. 

With her left hand, she slid the worksheet over to my desk. With her left hand, she made the sign of writing. 

So, we held hands, and I completed both worksheets. Lily held the worksheet down so that it wouldn’t slide, and I wrote down all the answers. 

During science, the principal came and asked Miss Andrews to come outside for a minute. When Miss Andrews was out of sight, Lily rested her head on my shoulder. This was the best day of my life. 

After school, Lily asked me, “Do you walk home?”

“Yes.”

“Me, too.”

“Do you want to walk together?” I asked.

“Yes, but we can’t go to my house.”

“Okay. Well, we can’t go to my house, so let’s walk to the IGA.”

“I-gee-uh?” She said it like IGA was a word. 

“Yeah, I’ll show you.”

We walked around for a few hours and then went to the park and sat against the chain-link fence. 

We just sat and held hands. 

“Thank you for saving me, Jack.”

“You’re welcome. I wanted to do it. I didn’t want that old bag hurting you.”

“I know.”

After a while, she said, “I wish you could beat up my dad.”

“Does he hurt you?”

“Yes. Especially now. Lt. John is on a big project on the base.”

“Lt. John? Is that your dad?”

“Yes, we have to call Lt. or Lt. John. He’s not my real dad. My real dad died. Mom married the Lt. when I was a baby. But if everything goes right, he’ll get another promotion. He’s upset all the time. He’s always yelling at my mother. He hurt my sister, and my mom sent her to live with my grandma.”

“Did he hit her?”

“Um, no, she’s older. She’s already 12. And the Lt. is always mad at me and her because he says it’s not fair that we’re prettier than our mom. So, he didn’t hit her, but she had to go to the hospital for an operation. And I think my mom is beautiful.”

“Wow. The Lt. sounds like my dad.”

“Is your dad big?”

“He’s a giant.”

“The Lt. is big, very tall, and my mom is very short. So when he hits her, I try to fight him back. My mom wants to send me away, but I don’t want Mom to be by herself. I’m afraid he’ll kill her.”

“You’re braver than I am.”

“I think we’re the same, Jack. I think when we’re older, you’ll save me from my dad. I can wait.”

“I’ll get stronger every day. I promise.”

After a long while, Lily said, “You can call me Lily. Everyone else has to call me Lillian. But only you can call me Lily. But around other people, you have to call me Lilian because when you call me Lily, that will be special. Even when we have kids, they’ll know me as Lillian, and you can call me Lily when we’re alone.”

“Lily,” I said.

She looked at me and smiled. 

“Jack,” she said. “Lily and Jack.” 

“Lily and Jack.”

After a long, quiet time, she said, “I love you, Jack.”

“I love you, Lily.”

“On Tuesday, I was hoping to see you, but you weren’t at school.”

“I was too scared to come back. Usually, no one cares, but I’ve never hit a teacher before, so I was scared.”

“Yeah, that was crazy. Totally psychedelic.”

“I had to come back to see you.” 

“Yeah, I figured you would. But on Wednesday, you weren’t there, and I was scared. I was so scared that I got sick. And I was too sick to come to school yesterday. But I had a dream that you would come back today. I asked my mom if I could wear my special dress today, because I knew you would be back.”

“It’s a beautiful dress. The only seams are on the sides.”

She smiled. “I knew you would like this dress. But you didn’t have anything to worry about.”

“Why is that?”

“Well, remember after you shoved Mrs. Butters and Jerry stood up, roared like a bear?”

“Yeah, that was crazy!” 

“Well, after you left, Jerry grabbed his lunch box and whacked it across Mrs. Butters’ head. Do you know what he has inside his lunchbox?”

“Sandwiches?”

“No. A brick.”

“What?”

And then she stood up, and I stood up. 

“Yep. When Jerry hit her in the head, the lunchbox came open, and a brick fell out. It was wrapped in a towel. He picked it up, unwrapped it, and threw it at the door, and smashed the glass.”

“What?”

“Yep, and Cheese started dancing a jig. His hands were up high, and he was laughing.”

“Cheese? Oh, wow, I’ve never seen him smile.”

“What were the other two doing?”

“You know the girl who looks like a hippopotamus?”

“Yeah, that’s Berinda.”

“Berinda Not Belinda”

“Berinda.”

“Yeah, well, she started crying.”

“That figures.”

“And the other girl.”

“Robin.”

“She just sat there looking at the floor and picking her nose. And she ate a booger.”

“Gross.” Well, that answered a few questions.

“Oh, man. Jack, you missed the best part.”

“It gets better?”

She grabbed my hands. I could hardly think. She was holding my hands and jumping up and down. The dress kept flipping up. And she smiled when she talked. I was crazy. 

“Oh, yeah! So, Jerry ran out of the room without his lunchbox. Cheese and I followed him, and he was running up and down the halls just screaming his head off.”

“Psychedelic, man!”

“Totally. And then this teacher came out and pulled the fire alarm.”

“No way!”

“And you missed the best part!”

“It gets better?”

We both started jumping up and down as she kept talking. 

“Two ambulances came. And two firetrucks!”

“I missed the firetrucks!”

“And there were so many police cars.”

“What? Like how many?”

“I don’t know. They just kept coming. Police were everywhere! And there was a dog! A big German Shepard! He looked scary, but he just sat there and did nothing.”

“Ah, man. I heard sirens, but I thought it was just a fire. I didn’t think they’d be coming to the school.”

“It gets better, Jack!”

“What!”

“One of the cops left his door open, and Cheese snuck into the police car. I saw him! I saw him go in and close the door.”

“What? What’d he do?”

“He was looking right at me. He locked the doors and pointed at the lock. And was laughing.”

“Cheese, man.”

“He started honking the horn, pushing buttons, the lights came on, the siren came on. It was so loud, I had to cover my ears!”

“What a day!”

“So then, a cop starts yelling into one of those speaker things.”

“A bullhorn.”

“Yeah, and he told all the kids to go into the cafeteria, and our parents would pick us up. But none of the kids moved. So then he talks into his walkie-talkie, and the cop with the dog comes over. The cop blew a whistle, and the dog started barking. He was so loud! The sirens, the dog, and all the kids started screaming and running. Two cops got knocked down!”

“I can’t even think! My mind’s like a freaking kaleidoscope!”

“Right? Totally, psychedelic!”

“And then what happened?”

“Well, nothing. They rushed us into the cafeteria, and we had to wait for our parents.”

“Bummer.”

“I have been waiting all these days to tell you, Jack! I can’t believe you haven’t heard.”

“Well, I was trying to stay away, because every time I saw a police car, I thought they were after me.”

“No way. You’re a hero!”

“What? Why?”

“Mrs. Butters is gone!”

“What?”

“Yeah. The Retard Room is closed. It’s empty. Miss Andrews said that all of us would just stay with the class for reading and writing. Everyone says you’re a hero!”

“Wow. Totally, psychedelic, man.” 

“And guess what?”

“There’s more?”

“Jerry hasn’t had his lunchbox since then.” 

“What? Wow! That’s great!”

“And Cheese, he calls all the girls ‘baby.'”

“Cheese?”

“Yeah, he says, ‘Hey, baby, how ya doing? Wanna take a ride in a police car?” He’s like a hero, too. And Jerry’s a hero, too. Everyone is slapping fives with him. He can’t stop smiling.” 

“Crazy.”

“Jack?”

“Yes?”

“Put your right hand right here.” She put my hand on her right hip. Then she put my left hand on her left hip. She put her hands behind my neck; her fingers clasped. “Hold me closer.” 

I brought her closer. My hands were interlocked and touching her back. 

“Kiss me, Jack.”

Wow. I had never kissed anyone before. This would be the first and last person I’d ever kiss. I knew it. But I didn’t know how to kiss. I was already out of breath. I didn’t know what to do, but then she stopped kissing and moved her head back. 

“I wish we were on a psychedelic trampoline.”

I had no idea what that was, but I wanted to be there, too. 

We kissed until the sun started setting, and then we had to go. I couldn’t follow her because she said that if her dad saw her with a boy, he’d probably kill him.

We sat together in class the rest of the school year. 

We saw each other every day in the summer. We met by the fence where we kissed. 

And then one day, she stopped coming. 

She never came back. 

School started. 

I was in Mrs. Ross’s second-grade class. I walked in and saw Jerry and Cheese. We slapped fives and gave each other hugs. Great times. I asked if they had seen Lillian. Mrs. Ross was telling us to sit down where our names were. I looked around all the desks, and I didn’t see Lily’s name. She wasn’t in Mrs. Ross’s class, so I left. 

“Little boy,” Mrs. Ross said, “Where do you think you’re going?”

“Oh, it’s okay. I’m one of the retard kids.” She didn’t say a word, she just went back to telling kids where to sit. 

I looked in every room. I couldn’t find Lily. I ran to the library and asked the librarian if she had seen Lillian. She hadn’t. I went to Miss Andrew’s room and asked her. She looked sad when I told her I couldn’t find her. She told the kids to sit still, and she took me to the counselor’s office.

“Hello, Miss Robers. Jack is here to see you.”